Fear of Crying

My heart aches at the thought of you
Right now I’m confused about us
And have no idea what to do.
Your painful words play over and over in my head
Which makes it harder to forget them
But easier to think of them.
Although my heart cries, my eyes won’t let me.
Instead, my mind replays thoughts of me and you.
And it hurts that we can’t be what we used to
Because the statement remains true,
That, Confused and lonely me is all I have now
Because no one else cares,
I thought I had someone
But contrary to my surprise, you were never there.

Incidents of the past make me question why?
Why did I forgive you? Why do I love you?
Why didn’t I know what to do?
All my anger shows through my face
As I look into your eyes with hurt, sadness, and fear.
Because our relationship is not at its best place.
But yet I shed not one tear.
I won’t let myself cry
Because you will see
Then what will you think of me?

For the fear of crying is too overwhelming to bear
But in all reality, I must let it out
Although, my mind gives me a reason to care
Crying shows weakness
And weak am I not
But lately I’ve been proving myself wrong
And now silly me Is all I got.

Taking The Fall

i get so scared
at the thought of you
how we aren't together
how it's all my fault
i'll take the fall
don't wanna call it quits
don't know how to live like this
on my own
without your arms there
to catch me when i fall

hai.. i've been thinking a lot lately.. i've been distracted for a while now.. and its not getting any good for my grades. i guess i have to put things in thier proper places right now. pero di ibig sabihin kailangan ko kalimutan lahat.. mas uunahin ko lang mna mga prioroties ko.. mas maganda na yun di ba?.. at least i could have a life. im not fully moving on.. kaya lang i still hope for thngs to get better naman.. hope someday.. i'll just leave everything to God nalang..

kainiz talaga. bagsak ako sa healthcare, (prelim & midterm) exam. pinagsama kasi ni ma'am Cabling. nung nakita ko yung test madali lang naman.. kaso hindi ako nakapgreview. aarrgghhh. Kainiz. Kaya ko naman yung test na yun. nagsisisi ako.. sobrang hirap magfocus. super distracted ako.

*****

its not that easy. alam ko nun na mahirap talaga to move on. but never i imagine that it would be this hard. especially if you still love the person.

a lot of them says that i have to be strong. alam ko lahat yan. they even told me to break free. I really hope its that easy. i really wish that tomorrow all this pain will just fade. but i guess not. the more i try to forget the more i remember. i may do nothing. because i know it wouldnt be the same. it wouldnt work out. i miss him.

its been a week since it happened but still the tears keeps falling. though i smile alot, i laugh a bit, i even play pranks. but the truth is, its the only way i know to fool myself and to make everyone believe im alright.
***
pero i have to move on.. a lot of people are depending on me so i better not mess it up.

where did it ends?

keeping my head straight as i look down my fone.. tears slowly racing through my cheeks. i tried to stop it but it seems its out of my control.

*click* as my fone beeped. and then the message was read..
No! it's not true.. you know i love you.. i am still inlove with you..

words i was reading was tearing me apart..

he was now furious..

i never thought he'd be ever be that way to me..

it was unbearable..

AAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

can't take it anymore..

but i just can't let him go..

no not now..

we can still work it out..


can't understand him..

he's saying things so hurtful..

then it ended.

chaotic

as she reached the top of the hill, she felt the wind breeze welcoming her.. she breathes and smelled the aroma of the dew of the grass.. and then she lie down and from there she watched and counted the stars before her..

as always it was her comfort zone.. where no one can ever judge her.. when she can be whatever she wanted to be.. she built her dreams there and hoped that someday it will come true..

a tear fell down her cheeks.. she remembered why she was there.. of course to forget.. somehow she thought with the peaceful ambiance of that place would melt whats inside of her..

as she looked unto the stars.. like saying "hey im just here" tears pour continously in her eyes.. the echo of her crying was heard on that hill.. she shouted as loud as she could.. hoping she could shout them away..

its burning.. and it feels like bursting and exploding into pieces..

crying and asking.. 'what have i done?'
careless decisions, muddled thoughts,

time...

care..

love..




she shouted..

but she knew it will never go away.. no matter how loud, how ear-breaking her roar is..
how peaceful, and beautiful the place is..

it can never take away the pain she's feeling..

and its tearing her apart..

her life was devastated.. she knew she can never live without him..

he was her life..


damn..

a complete misunderstanding broke what once was whole..

separated what once where one..

and ended it with bitter tears..

and an angry heart...


looking back..

it could have worked out..

she stared at the stars..

shining so brightly.. twinkling...


then came the drizzle..
she felt..

all she have now was her dreams..

but how could it be true..

when it was already gone..:-(