Shocked!!!!!

kainiz. life is full of surprises nga. youll never know what will happen tomorrow. naku naman. gawin ba kong leader?.. tama ba yun?.. di pa ba sapat ang naging mabait akong ka-group para pahirapan ako ng ganito?.. kainiz talaga sobra. i never expact na ganito mangyayari. ano ba kasi alam ko. napakacomplicated na nga ng lahat eto pa... haaaay.. walang katapusang pagtatally at GASTOS!!!!! haaay...

such waiting..

its the 3rd week of our second semester. a lot has happened. there are things in my life ive realized. and things i need to learn. some things im still not used to. some things that makes me so confused. things that i would rather keep for myself. and things i wanted to share.

now. looking back. i know i have changed. still i really dont know if i changed for the better or for the worst.. hehehe.. *sighs* but still i cant fogure out what im really feeling. im happy with my friends. (the old ones that i love more and more each day! (such compliment, but true) and the new ones that gives my life more excitement than ever!)

i miss a lot of people and things!


i miss the times im with my best friends.

i miss the times with my blog.

i miss the times when i used to smile because of someone special.

i miss the times i used to cry because of the misunderstandings.

i miss the fun i had with the fishballs in the streets.

hahahaha.. a lot can happen in a day or two. what more in a month.

weh..

ive done something na di ko inaakala na magagawa ko..
well, its feels awkward but i think i can handle it. i just hope things wont go bad, as long as nobody knows what it is.. trip lang, ganun.. haaay...

haaayy...

its not a very good day to start the week.
well of course, were having our sembreak soon..
(i hope)

our anatomy eaxms sucks.
really. it did. the highest in our class is 78! grabe di ba?. syempre i failed.. kainiz nga eh..
5 lang ata pumasa. di rin kasi ako nagreview. haaaay... grabe.
pero atleast tapos na exams. the only problem left is my permit and our professors.

di pa ksi ako bayad. hopefully tom makuha ko na yung pera. kaso may orientation kami tom.
sana dn di sya abutin buong maghapon..

i just wish my grades are enough to get me trough the next level..

i really dont want to dissapoint my mom.

adik..

haaay.. grabe.. adik na ko sa alice academy.. i could feel na pwede na nga ako sumali sa famfiction and gumawa ng sriling story about alice academy.. i love the way they build different kinds of story around alice.. especially about mikan and natsume.. i hope may season two yun sa animax.:-)

Phew!

Yesterday was one of my most dreadful day! every monday nalang ata.. haaay.. sabi ko nga,"If only I can hide above the clouds where no one can reach me!" Wala lang, para wala lang gumugulo.. sobrang pressured na kasi ako.. kainiz pa yung mga kapitbahay na nagsusumbong ng mali kay mama. Nagalit tuloy siya sakin.. Pero nagkaayos din naman kami. I miss my mom so much! Si papa miss ko na rin. Ang hirap pagsabayin yung studies ko sa responsibilities sa bahay, isipin mo nga kung pano gagawin mo.. Being the mother to a 2years old kid. Pero sabi naman no mama uuwi na daw siya.. Saya di ba.. Magkakasama kami sa pasko.

*********

Buti pa kami ni mama, we ended great! Parang di ko na siya kilala.. I'm still thinking if he is the one that i loved so much? I thought lahat ng tungkol sa kin naiintindihan niya. Feeling ko di naman talaga niya ako minahal. Kasi kung totoo ngang minahal niya ko edi sana di siya ganyan magisip tungkol sakin. Ang babaw ng pagkakilala niya sakin. Ang sakit ng mga sinabi niya tngkol sakin. Hindi naman porket ayaw ko nang makipagbalikan sa kanya at ako yung nakipagbreak may mahal na ako and ginamit ko lang siya after what he have done for me. Sobrang kainiz talaga. Gusto ko siyang sampalin at ipamukha sa kanya lahat ng sinsabi niya.Pero i know it would do any good, para narin sakin siguro. Di ko na kasalanan na ganun siya. Nagsasawa na kasi ako sa kakaduda niya! mga wala namang katotohanan! Pano mo masasabing mahal mo yung taong if from the very start you never had any trust or faith sa kanya?.. Tapos ako pa mangagamit ngayon!

AAARrrrrGGGGhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! Gusto ko sumigaw, yung malakas na malakas! Sana nga totoo nalang lahat ng duda niya sakin. Para di ganito kasakit. Para wala nalang ako gagawin kundi pagtawanan siya sa lahat ng sinsabi niya sakin. Para balewala nalang lahat ng gawin o sabihin niya. Para i could still live my life the way it use to be,, nung hindi pa siya dumadating sa buhay ko!!

" i want to hate him,

But i know i still care!

i want to crush him,

but the more i want his lips!

The more I want to forget,

the more i bleed.

The more I wanted to hurt him

the more i believe.

I want to tell these feelings

the more i cant talk.

The more i cant express,

The more i suffer.

I just hope he could be happy,

believing i turned him off.

But i just pray that somewhat he could feel

My true pain inside!"

Fear of Crying

My heart aches at the thought of you
Right now I’m confused about us
And have no idea what to do.
Your painful words play over and over in my head
Which makes it harder to forget them
But easier to think of them.
Although my heart cries, my eyes won’t let me.
Instead, my mind replays thoughts of me and you.
And it hurts that we can’t be what we used to
Because the statement remains true,
That, Confused and lonely me is all I have now
Because no one else cares,
I thought I had someone
But contrary to my surprise, you were never there.

Incidents of the past make me question why?
Why did I forgive you? Why do I love you?
Why didn’t I know what to do?
All my anger shows through my face
As I look into your eyes with hurt, sadness, and fear.
Because our relationship is not at its best place.
But yet I shed not one tear.
I won’t let myself cry
Because you will see
Then what will you think of me?

For the fear of crying is too overwhelming to bear
But in all reality, I must let it out
Although, my mind gives me a reason to care
Crying shows weakness
And weak am I not
But lately I’ve been proving myself wrong
And now silly me Is all I got.

Taking The Fall

i get so scared
at the thought of you
how we aren't together
how it's all my fault
i'll take the fall
don't wanna call it quits
don't know how to live like this
on my own
without your arms there
to catch me when i fall

hai.. i've been thinking a lot lately.. i've been distracted for a while now.. and its not getting any good for my grades. i guess i have to put things in thier proper places right now. pero di ibig sabihin kailangan ko kalimutan lahat.. mas uunahin ko lang mna mga prioroties ko.. mas maganda na yun di ba?.. at least i could have a life. im not fully moving on.. kaya lang i still hope for thngs to get better naman.. hope someday.. i'll just leave everything to God nalang..

kainiz talaga. bagsak ako sa healthcare, (prelim & midterm) exam. pinagsama kasi ni ma'am Cabling. nung nakita ko yung test madali lang naman.. kaso hindi ako nakapgreview. aarrgghhh. Kainiz. Kaya ko naman yung test na yun. nagsisisi ako.. sobrang hirap magfocus. super distracted ako.

*****

its not that easy. alam ko nun na mahirap talaga to move on. but never i imagine that it would be this hard. especially if you still love the person.

a lot of them says that i have to be strong. alam ko lahat yan. they even told me to break free. I really hope its that easy. i really wish that tomorrow all this pain will just fade. but i guess not. the more i try to forget the more i remember. i may do nothing. because i know it wouldnt be the same. it wouldnt work out. i miss him.

its been a week since it happened but still the tears keeps falling. though i smile alot, i laugh a bit, i even play pranks. but the truth is, its the only way i know to fool myself and to make everyone believe im alright.
***
pero i have to move on.. a lot of people are depending on me so i better not mess it up.

where did it ends?

keeping my head straight as i look down my fone.. tears slowly racing through my cheeks. i tried to stop it but it seems its out of my control.

*click* as my fone beeped. and then the message was read..
No! it's not true.. you know i love you.. i am still inlove with you..

words i was reading was tearing me apart..

he was now furious..

i never thought he'd be ever be that way to me..

it was unbearable..

AAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

can't take it anymore..

but i just can't let him go..

no not now..

we can still work it out..


can't understand him..

he's saying things so hurtful..

then it ended.

chaotic

as she reached the top of the hill, she felt the wind breeze welcoming her.. she breathes and smelled the aroma of the dew of the grass.. and then she lie down and from there she watched and counted the stars before her..

as always it was her comfort zone.. where no one can ever judge her.. when she can be whatever she wanted to be.. she built her dreams there and hoped that someday it will come true..

a tear fell down her cheeks.. she remembered why she was there.. of course to forget.. somehow she thought with the peaceful ambiance of that place would melt whats inside of her..

as she looked unto the stars.. like saying "hey im just here" tears pour continously in her eyes.. the echo of her crying was heard on that hill.. she shouted as loud as she could.. hoping she could shout them away..

its burning.. and it feels like bursting and exploding into pieces..

crying and asking.. 'what have i done?'
careless decisions, muddled thoughts,

time...

care..

love..




she shouted..

but she knew it will never go away.. no matter how loud, how ear-breaking her roar is..
how peaceful, and beautiful the place is..

it can never take away the pain she's feeling..

and its tearing her apart..

her life was devastated.. she knew she can never live without him..

he was her life..


damn..

a complete misunderstanding broke what once was whole..

separated what once where one..

and ended it with bitter tears..

and an angry heart...


looking back..

it could have worked out..

she stared at the stars..

shining so brightly.. twinkling...


then came the drizzle..
she felt..

all she have now was her dreams..

but how could it be true..

when it was already gone..:-(

After She left....

my mom left for hongkong last month..
July something.. (just let me think about it ok?.) well.. ayun na nga.. sobrang namimiss ko na sya.. and syempre im not sure if i'd be able to handle the responsibilities she left me.. of course.. di lang naman ako nagsasacrifice.. syempre sya din.. oo alam ko yun.. and im taking full responsibility kaso nga lang yung mga kapatid ko.. pano.. if im not good with it.. pano if i wouldnt able to handle such responsibility.. im trying naman eh.. last call nga niya sakin im so sad.. kasi naman gusto ko na siya makita ulit.. sooooo miss her a lot.. and she's doing all of it for us.. para mabuhay kaming mga anak niya.. every parent naman yun yung gusto.. the best for their children.. hindi ko alam kung ano pa pwede kong sabihin kasi naman no one knows me eh...ewan ko lang huh?..

syempre.. im still adjusting sa studies ko.. ang hirap pagsabayin ng pagiging nanay at ate.. my bunos pang pagiging estudyante.. well... thats life.. i dont know my purpose yet.. pero im willing to do things that can make my life worthwhile..

Praise the Lord.

This is my second post. It's my first week of class. syempre naman late ako nakapagenroll eh. Sobrang hirap ng pinagdaanan ko.. ilang beses ako umiyak at kamuntikang sumuko. Pero syempre hindi ganun kadali kapag marami ka nang horap na hinarap. And syempre yung mga taong sumuporta saken. Hindi nila ko pinabayaan. And syempre yung faith ko kay Lord.

Ang daming abala ang ginawa ko sa mga kaibigan ko. AT syempre pati kay kuya Joy. Nkakahiya nga sa kanya eh.

KUYA JOY: grabe, ang lakas mo parin kay Lord!

hehehe... grabe diba. kelan nagsimula yung pasukan June 13? Pero July 3 nako nakapasok! san ka pa!..

sobrabg thankful nga ako kay Lord kasi Answered prayer ako.. may times na maloka-loka ako kasi di ko na alam yung gagawin pero nasan na ko ngayon?.. pumapasok.. kahit kapos kami sa pera ngayon alam ko God will provide..

Thanks din syempre kay Vyman. Sa lahat ng support niya. Saka kahit kulang sa communication ngayon alam ko na he's always there for me. Sobrang thankful ako kasi i have him. Saka syempre going strong! kahit malayo kami sa isat-isa alam namin pareho that we can still lean on each other.

sa mga Friends ko.. sa bestfriend ko..

Juddith.

Joyce.

Celina.

Mame Sha.

Anna May.

lahat sila.. They've done a lot for me..

sila yung sumama sakin..

kaya thank you guys.

1st post!

ahaaay... may blog na ko sa bloggers..
1st post ko toh..